Support

Receiving a “Checking on you” text from people falls flat for me.

It is not an invitation to speak freely.

It’s not a question or inquiry into how I’m doing.

It is not a signal that you have the bandwidth to hear me, see me, or show up for me.

It feels like I’m an item on a checklist.

I don’t respond well to it – mostly because of how flat things fall if I do open up and talk about things.

Usually empty platitudes and surface-level responses.

That’s hard when you’re going through it alone.

And, no, I’m not obligated to accept any and every form of “support” sent my way.

I can sense when it’s tossed over the fence and you don’t really want to get into it.

So I feel like a burden. Like I’m too much. Like my feelings are too much. And so I retreat.

Recently, someone – two people – affirmed me. That I am not a burden. That they will hear me any time I need to be heard.

I’ve been waiting years to hear that.

I’ve been spending years figuring out how I need to be loved and how I want to be loved.

Not everyone is capable. Or willing. And that’s ok.

In the meantime, I’ll hold on to the two who are and will.

It’s not that I don’t love the rest.

I just can’t keep betraying myself and hurting my own feelings.

Your strong friend isn’t strong right now.